It's So Hard...

to say Goodbye...

One of my favorite songs that say goodbye. This was the first CD that I ever bought by the way!! If you're not familiar with Boyz II Men, you're missing out on some great late 80's/early 90's R&B.

I can't believe that I am writing this, but this will in fact be my last Weddingbee post ever. I remember way back when when I started to read WB: Mrs. Penguin was still engaged; there were barely any discussion boards; and even Mr. Bee would occasionally write a post. That was way back in the days of late 2007 (gulp!) months before I got engaged.

When I started to write a blog and even when I got accepted to Weddingbee, I didn't know how much it would change my life. I've met a great group of interesting and fun women from all over the country (and the world). I've discovered a new hobby and form of self-expression through blogging. I've learned a lot about social media. I've also gotten to interact with an encouraging, creative and resourceful community that are the readers of Weddingbee!

Now that I have been a married lady for a year and almost two weeks, I can say that marriage is fun, sometimes hard and rewarding. It's been a crazy year for me and Mr. Swan: getting new jobs, leaving old ones, and going through various types of personal change. That being said, it's all been good times, and we're learning to be better partners to each other everyday.

The biggest highlights of this year:

Cooking my first holiday dinner (Christmas) all by myself.

A few trips

NOLA

Bali

And just hanging out....

Governor's Island in NYC. Mr. Swan took the picture, so I guess he's in this one too! :)

I have not stopped blogging though. I have a blog about food and travel (two of my most favorite things). It's called Try Anything Once. The cool title is courtesy of Mrs. Lamb; and if you like the blog design, it's all Mrs. Poodle. I'd love for you to join me over there, if you don't mind hearing about what I eat and where, my travel adventures plus a little personal stuff thrown in. By the way, those of you who are thinking about or planning a honeymoon or trip to Bali, I'm currently blogging about it there.

So this is it. I wish only good things for all of the brides and blogging Bees out there old and new.

XX,

Mrs. Swan

Exorcising My Wedding Dress Demons

Hey there, hive! I've got a story for you. I don't really know how to address this issue, since it touches on some feelings that I've been harboring since my wedding. I am slowly coming to terms with this a full NINE months AFTER my wedding. What is troubling me so? My dress.

Honestly, I liked my dress. I liked it a lot...but I can't help but feel that I lost out on some bridal rite of passage by not buying a brand name/designer dress.

By the way, just in case you forgot, here's my dress, which is also Mrs. Nachos' dress. Great minds.....:)

I usually don't covet other people's stuff, especially things on the pricier end of the spectrum, even moreso when it comes to clothes. 9 times out of 10 when it comes to clothing shopping, I'll roll out to H &M, Zara or maybe splurge at Club Monaco (See, not even close to designer!). I usually shock some people who inquire about certain things I wear and get a heap of furrowed brows when I tell them it's from Old Navy. (Don't sleep on old Navy, folks!) Add all of this to the fact that during my planning process, I definitely didn't get into "I must feel like a bride" or "It must be 'bridal' or nothing" attitude, so why the heck do I still feel a sense of loss that I never had the pretty designer wedding dress from the fancy bridal store?

I had been thinking about my feelings of "loss" here and there, but the issue didn't rear it's ugly head until one morning when I was futzing around Twitter. I saw a tweet that profoundly disturbed me. The tweet was about Ms. Vera Wang's decision to sell a line at David's Bridal. Someone I happen to follow (who I no longer follow, and you'll know why in a second) pretty much called the move "Barfworthy." SAY WHAT?! HOLD UP! WAIT A MINUTE!

Look, we are all entitled to our opinions. I also know nothing can start an angry stampede of brides than the mention of the words "David's Bridal." But come on...barfworthy? I don't judge people by what labels they wear in everyday life. I'm not about to start on their wedding day. Maybe this was my own insecurity whispering angry words into my ears, but I really don't like when people turn their noses up at others for something as small as clothing choices. Perhaps I'm a bit harsh, but I would love to see a happy, ecstatic bride regardless of what the label in her dress says.

The tweeter and I exchanged some tweets. I told her to each her own regarding dress choices, and I disengaged and stopped following her. In the weeks since my little "incident" on Twitter has occurred, I think I've made some peace with my dress choice.

My dress did what it needed to do. It made me look great the one day I wanted it make me look and feel fabulous. It's now sitting in my closet pressed and dry-cleaned waiting for me to get off my behind and do something with it (maybe publishing this post will spur me into action?). I loved my wedding day, but I have no desire to wear my dress again. I actually don't think about my darling dress very much at all.

So in an effort to finally rid myself of my unnecessary insecurity and unfounded regret, I've decided to write a short letter to the Bridal Gown Industry to exorcise my dress demons and finally move on.

May 2010

Dear Bridal Gown Industry,

Unlike many women, I didn't like my bridal gown shopping experience. It was at times disheartening, frustrating and could sometimes be a pretty big pain in the arse. There are some things I need to tell you, and I feel that by telling you publicly I will rid myself of feeling that I missed out on some quintessential bridal experience.

I would just like to say that my name is Mrs. Swan, and:

1. I tried on over 60 dresses, and it took me forever to find a dress I liked. Even when I did, I questioned it when as I was buying it. There were no angels singing nor did the heavens part once I found my dress. I did not cry. I just kinda bought the dress. Please don't tell me there is a "one" dress made for me. There probably could have been tons of others out there, if I was willing to spend more money.

2. I know that you all strive to be creative and regale us with new designs each season, but how about something else besides strapless dresses? I promise that brides will like a little something different.

3. Some of us want a dress that is reasonably priced. For some strange reason, Bridal Gown Industry, you have decided that reasonably priced somehow equals beading. Why does there need to be an odd direct correlation between more beading and lower price.

4. Why don't many stores let us take pictures? Would it really be that bad? If I want to copy the dress, I'll just go to the designer's website. It's not that crucial. I would have still bought your dress if you let me take a picture to show my family and friends. Finally....

5. I live in New York City, and I have never been to Kleinfeld's.

Thank you, for letting me tell you those things, Bridal Gown Industry. I am now going to finish my newlywed days being at peace with my dress choice.

May I never have to shop for a wedding dress ever again,

Mrs. Swan

Never a Bridesmaid?

So there's the saying, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride," but what if you're like me? I've never been a bridesmaid!!! Yes, that's right. I've never gotten the chance to look like this:

(source)

Katherine Heigl, you look maaaarvelous, daahling...just not in this.

(source)

Sadly, my closet occasionally looks like this, and I don't have 27 bridesmaid dresses in it!

For my adult life,* I have never had the privilege of being a bridesmaid. I've never planned a bachelorette party; held the bouquet for a friend while she's said her vows; or planned a bridal shower. The sad part is that as I get older, it's looking like there is a strong possibility that I may not have this experience. Part of me is sad about that, but another part of me is wondering if that may not be such a bad thing.

Please don't think I am hating on the concept of being a bridesmaid. I actually think it's a very amazing honor bestowed on a friend or a loved one. By being a bridesmaid, you're in a position to be a source of support and comfort for that special bride in your life during what can be a busy and stressful time.

As much as I know all of this, I've also come to realize that I am not in the prime position for being asked to even be a bridesmaid 'cause:

1. I'm essentially an only child. No siblings means less chance to be in at least one wedding.

2. I've got a small group of friends. I love my friends. I may not have oodles of them, but the ones I do have I LOVE. They are an amazing group of primarily women who awe me on the regular. They just don't have me in their bridal parties :) But seriously, I'm also the type to spend quality time with two to three people at a time and not really prone to being a part of big groups of friends. I guess less friends automatically lowers the chances of a bridesmaid invite, huh?

3. Most of my good friends have had the small city hall or destination wedding; have an army of sisters and female cousins who take priority over me; or went the "no bridal party" route like I did. As a group, we're also pushing further and further into our 30's and simplicity in life and relationships seems to be taking priority over tradition. I really feel many of my unmarried friends will choose to forgo the bridal party option. Maybe someone will prove me wrong?

I don't know why this is coming up now. Okay, that's a lie. I do. :) A recently engaged BFF actually didn't ask me to be a part of her wedding party. She'll have her sister and one other friend. At first, I was a bit taken off guard and kinda disappointed. Mr. Swan even mentioned that I shouldn't even be caring about ever being a bridesmaid because I've already had the ultimate wedding experience: I've been a bride! I know that I am getting back what I put out into the universe, since I didn't have a bridal party of my own. Ahhh, darn you, Bridal Karma!

After awhile to think about it, I'm actually almost a little psyched about not being chosen as a part of the wedding party. I didn't really understand my own change of heart at first, but now I feel like there is a bit of freedom in my continued bridesmaid virginity: no dress I may or may not like; some nice cost savings; and not having to think at all (just celebrate) the day of the wedding. In the end I guess it doesn't seem so bad, right?

Is there anyone else out there who has never been a bridesmaid and has the odds stacked against their chance of achieving Bridesmaid-dom? Am I missing an important life experience? Let me know!

*I was a junior bridesmaid in my aunt's wedding when I was twelve. I just stood there and looked cute. When I was eighteen, I did the same thing for a family friend who seemed to need some warm bodies to have an even bridal party. Her fiance had seven brothers or something like that. In both cases, I didn't really do much. I don't count these though, but should I?

Engaged Abroad - Samba, Soccer & Sun (Part 3)

After a few days of rain spending most of my time indoors, the rain finally stopped. Rio was calling me outside to see its natural beauty. Rio is a very large and spread out city, so that day I enlisted the help of a guide, Madson, to get me around. Plus, I was a little starved for conversation, so it was nice to be able to talk to someone about everyday life as a Carioca (a Rio resident).

After many winding roads, a quick shuttle bus ride and an elevator, I finally made it to Rio's most reconginizable landlarks: Corcovado or Christ the Redeemer.

I'm squinting but I made it.

There were definitely some great views from Corcovado. It provided a great vantage points for seeing much of Rio, including Sugar Loaf Mountain (see below to your left).

After Corcovado I went off to see the Sambadromo (Sambadrome). Brazilian Samba isn't necessarily what you see on Dancing with the Stars. It's the music and dance form that is the heart and soul of Brazilian carnival that takes over Rio and Salvador to the north (and other cities) each February/March. The volunteer groups of musician, dancers and parading singers called Samba Schools used to parade through the streets, but the costumes and groups got so big that they built a staging ground for them to parade, the Sambadrome. Each Samba School gets an hour to parade to strut their stuff for judges who crown the best Samba School each year.

Here I am practicing my samba skills in the Sambadrome.

Off to the side of the Sambradrome, there was a small museum and gift shop. The picture above is actually a picture of a picture of one of the porta-bandeira (one of the lead women in the front portion of a samba school's procession) of the Beija Flor samba school that won a few years ago. As I am sure you can imagine this is a pretty big honor. Plus, in addition to the big schools that parade through the Sambadrome, there are small, local samba schools that play music, sing and dance through the streets of Rio. This was just a taste of Rio's samba culture, and I wished I had time to experience more.

One of my final stops that day was to Maracana Stadium, which is the main soccer stadium in Rio that hosts international and local games and will serve as the main stadium for the 2016 Summer Olympics. O jogo bonito (the beautiful game) is a national obsession just in case you don't know. Pele, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Kaka have all played here. It's like a living Brazilian soccer shrine.

Here I am at field level.

I even had a chance to see a real game a few days later. This was barely a playoff game and had the same energy as probably the Superbowl. People were going wild and screaming at least an hour BEFORE the game.

Here I am before a game between Flamengo (from Rio) and Atletico Miniero (from the Minas Gerias province)

Oh yeah, by the way, Rio has great beaches. You can pretty much get anything from food, a manicure, a massage and play soccer on the beach.

Yeah, Ipanema Beach is gorgeous.

All of the colored beach umbrellas are vendors.

Here I am at one of Rio's lesser known beaches.

Well, folks, those are the highlights of my time in Rio; however, I'm going to stop there.

UP NEXT: Wedding Recaps!!! That's right. After the holidays, I'll be recapping the wedding! Thanks for following my trip to Brazil.

A great holiday season to all!

Engaged Abroad - I Did What?! (Part 1)

Hello, everyone!

My how I've missed you! I'm in wedding blogging limbo still waiting for my pics to come through from my photographer. It's definitely hard, but I know that good things come to those who wait.

In the meantime, I thought I would tell you about one of the more fulfilling experiences that I had while I was engaged. Last October, I took a week-long trip by myself to Brazil. I'd never traveled completely by myself internationally before especially to a country where I didn't have total command of the language, so on many levels this was a total challenge for me (after a year of college Brazilian Portuguese I have the vocab of an 8 year-old...okay, better make that a 5 year-old.)

I had a different outlook on this trip though. It was the first time that I would be leaving my future husband at home. I will give Mr. Swan a shout out for being so encouraging and not freaking out when I said that I wanted to a plan a trip by myself to a city that did not necessarily have a reputation for always being super safe (Rio; I went to Salvador too.). Mr. Swan hears way too much about my wanderlust and has learned to appreciate (for lack of a better word) my independent streak. I so appreciate his confidence in me, and his willingness and ability to let me be me.

After the excitement of getting engaged I stopped myself one day and came to a deep realization: this is it, Swan...you've got another person who will be your partner in making decisions (even about things like vacations..uh oh :)), who may occasionally worry when you walk out the door for the day and for whom you'll need to do the same. I'm just letting you know that there's nothing wrong with that. That is by far the best part of marriage. In a way, I wanted to establish with Mr. Swan that while there was also going to be this new, amazing partnership that we were forming that there could still be this space for me to explore my own interests and challenge myself while still cherishing him. I knew that I wanted to do something fulfilling for me and only me before we got married. In the end, this trip to Brazil was about not only satisfying my yearly exploration cravings but also to explore how to be me within this new us.

Anyway, without further ado, here's a picture of me in Rio:

I will most definitely be recapping my trip, but I thought I'd get the mushy stuff out of the way first. :)

Are/did you do anything just for you as you make the transition into marriage?

Taking the Long Route

(source)

Around the time that this post will go up, I will be celebrating another birthday as well as my first month as a newlywed. As one of the older bride bloggers in recent memory on Weddingbee, I figured that I would talk about being a slightly older bride. I've definitely appreciated Miss Star's posts about being a younger bride (here, here, here, and here). Since I've got a couple years on her (okay, like, a whole lot more), I thought I would also provide some perspective on the other end of the spectrum. I know that I am not the oldest bride/newlywed ever on Weddingbee, but I think being a bride marrying well after the national average of 26 years old for women in the U.S. has some specific joys and challenges. One of my primary motivations for writing this post is that I often feel like sometimes there is this sense that there is a self-destruct button when one turns 30, especially for unmarried women. Well, I am here to let you know that I been to the mountain top, and the view is fine. :)

How did I get to be slightly older bride? I don't know because I surely didn't plan it! I actually didn't meet Mr. Swan until I was 28. I spent most of my 20's without so much as a boyfriend. I definitely went on dates and had some significant romantic entanglements, but I had not had any long term committed relationships since my early 20's. Actually by the time I met Mr. Swan back in late 2005, I had not even had a date for about eleven months!! I was at the point in my life where I didn't think I was going to get married, and to be honest, I was pretty okay with it. I had definitely made my peace with the idea of not being married and was relishing a life of complete, adult freedom. None of my friends were married or engaged; my family is not full of married people; and so I did not have what I like to call a "culture of marriage" surrounding me.

Granted, I think when and how you get married is a product of a lot of different social forces. I think it's a function of where you live, your social groups, life choices; you name it. Based on my quick, unscientific sociological research, I am probably a pretty prime candidate/statistic for later marriage: (1) I have lived most of my life in the Northeast, which regionally has a later marriage rates; (2) I've lived in major cities almost all of my adult life; (3) Women with a college degrees (or more education) do marry but on average a few years later than those who do not; and (4) for what seems to be a variety of sociological reasons (someone can write a book on this topic, and I think they are) Black women are the least married group with only approximately 52% married by the time they are reach 30 (contrast that with apparently approximately 81% for white women and approximately 77% for Latinas). I was a stat, and I didn't even know it.

Being a slightly older brides has its joys and challenges. Here are some observations from this side of the age spectrum:

Pressure (or pity) from Family or Friends - I have been pretty lucky that Mommy Swan, my other family or friends have never really made me feel inadequate because I was single through most of my 20's. I can't say that's true for many women that I know. Whether through pressure or passive-aggressive comments from family (and perhaps some friends), many women have to deal with a society that subtly tells them often that they should be married preferably not too early but also not too later either.

Pressure from Within - I feel we all judge ourselves a lot. I know I am probably my worst critic. I think women especially give themselves a hard time about what they should be accomplishing by when and how (I do this constantly about my career), and I know that the "Oh no, I'm not married by 30!" conversation has happensed at some point for many women I know. Whenever I mentally start down this path, I try to remind myself that I am at the place where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there. It doesn't always help, but it stops my internal grumbling...at least for a little while.

Starting a Family - As you can tell by simply adding one to my age in my profile, I am now 32. I will be the first to say (especially since I have no choice) that there's nothing wrong with having kids in your 30's. While I agree that women shouldn't take their fertility for granted, children born to slightly older women can still be healthy and happy. This is all to say that I already know that I am going to be slightly older mother than the national average (although not here in NYC based on some trips to the park), but I am okay with that. Mr. Swan and I recognize the life shift that will happen once we have children, and we want to ease into it. We know we don't have the luxury of waiting for a very long time. Well, actually, we can wait, but we are well aware that there are some possible consequences for doing so. When I get worried about being an older mom, I just think about Michelle Obama.

(source)

She looks pretty good for having two kids when she was in her mid and late 30's.

A Little Bit of Experience Under the Belt - I am sure that anyone getting married is happy with the timing of their choice, but I do feel that getting married a little later has allowed me to have experiences that I am glad to have had. I've traveled a ton, lived alone (and loved it), worked hard and learned a lot about myself. I think you can definitely enjoy and grow from many of these same major life events while being married, but I think having done so on my own will bring a little sumthin' to my relationship with Mr. Swan.

Anyway, I just wanted to represent for the brides "gifted with a few extra years of life" out there in Bee Land. Regardless of our age, I think we should be happy that we've found people to share our life!

A Bee's Life: The Swan Perspective

Hey everybody!

I am really enjoying this series, A Bee's Life, so I thought I would add my perspective.


HOW I FOUND WEDDING BEE
Let me say that I have always loved all things wedding. I used to occasionally buy wedding magazines and watched quite a few wedding TV shows like “Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?”. This is years before meeting Mr. Swan. I didn’t know very much about wedding blogs, but I had already started reading niche blogs because of my other interests. My first real blog obsession was reading real estate blogs of all things (There's nothing like reading about condo developments. :)). Although my profile says something else, I began my career as a real estate lawyer, and in many ways I still like reading about who's building what, where and how (especially how much).

Well, when Mr. Swan and I started to get serious, I began wondering about whether there were wedding blogs out there too. One day, during some work procrastination, I googled “Brooklyn bride” and the now ubiquitous Brooklyn Bride popped up. Boy, was I hooked. Not only does Vane have a great sense of style, but it was also the pared down, modern style that really resonated with me (Plus, she was representin' for the BK!). Brooklyn Bride had a ton of links, and I started clicking on them to get a sense of other wedding blogs out there. I actually ignored Weddingbee for a long time because I didn't really get the title :) (Sorry, Mrs. Bee). Ofcourse I finally clicked on the link and then was completely hooked. That was the Fall of 2007, and so I have been reading/a part of this community for almost two years now. The one time I have had the fortunate chance to meet Mr. and Mrs. Bee, Mr. Bee promptly told me that I am like a Weddingbee Encyclopedia since I can recall random Bee posts from years past. I guess my little knack comes from all of my time here as a lurker to community member to blogger. I've been here a LOOOONG time.


WHY DID I START BLOGGING? WHY/HOW DID I APPLY TO WEDDINGBEE?
I started blogging because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and to keep my options open about serving as a Weddingbee blogger. I did a lot of research into things like Afrocentric wedding traditions and clothing and resources for Black brides not only to educate myself but also to blog about the these traditions and ideas since I couldn't really find very much out there.

As I have mentioned before I was pretty hesistant to apply to be a blogger. Unlike some of the other Bee bloggers, I actually blogged for over two months before applying. Why? Well while I loved the sense of community here at Weddingbee, I was often a little disappointed at the lack of Black/African American bloggers on the site. I actually even almost didn't apply at all after some comments that I had read on a post or two addressing this topic. Everyone has the right to their opinion on this subject, but I definitely questioned if Weddingbee was a place that I wanted to consult and spend time during my wedding planning process.

At the same time, I've always been someone who believes in making a path if one is not there. Since I didn't feel like I was finding what I wanted in the blog world, I created my own. Since I didn't see what I thought should be represented here on Weddingbee, I applied even though I'd be risking rejection. At the very least I could say that I had made an effort. I wish I had thought this way about so many other things in life. I guess it's the wisdom that comes with age :)

I didn't hear about my application for a really long time, so I actually thought I didn't get picked! Out of sheer curiosity, I e-mailed Pengy and got a nice e-mail back assuring me that my application was still under review. A few days later, I was sitting down to one of those 3pm lunches that happen occasionally (and having an awful day), when I checked my e-mail and a found my welcome from Pengy. Talk about lifting my spirits!! Three weeks later I popped on the scene.

Blogging earlier this year could border on exhausting for me due to my work and travel schedule. Often I would troop back to my hotel room and decompress by blogging. That also meant some late nights since I would sometimes not get to start a blog post until after 10pm! Also thank goodness for free Wi-Fi in hotel rooms, or blogging would have also become an added expense. I don't think my co-workers ever realized that I was bringing my laptop to not only do wedding planning but also to BLOG about my wedding planning. I had to fit in blogging at odd times in odd places.

I didn't realize how much I would love blogging. It's really become an outlet and in a way that I didn't think it would. I have always enjoyed writing and crafting a good sentence, but I didn't realize that I could feel a sense of contentment from writing the way I have with other things like dance. I know that I love to do something when I don't need a deadline or a prompt to do it. Sometimes I feel like I NEED to blog. It's been nice to find a new hobby. I'm even in the process of figuring out what I'd like to blog about next.

ADVICE FOR PROSPECTIVE BEE BLOGGERS
I think many of the other Bee bloggers have suggested great ideas about what makes a good Wedding bee application/blogger. The advice to be yourself is key. I think the power of being a good blogger is letting your personality shine through a computer screen. What I have also found to be most important is to innovate and find a voice, perspective or topic that not that many people write about. It will make you stand out, and readers will come back for more.


Again, it's been great to be a part of this community and to have the privelege to write for and learn from all of you!

I's Be Married Now!

Hey, everybody!!

I am back and married. (By the way, props to anyone who gets the movie reference in the title of the post.)

Getting married is FUN, everyone! If I can say any word of advice to all of you in the latter stages of the planning process, it would be to advise you to make sure that you have FUN on your wedding day. Period. All I remember is the wedding being such a joyous, wonderful moment in time. It was so amazing, and I can't wait to share it all with you.

While I am waiting for my pro pics, I will definitely catch you up on a few things that I didn't get a chance to blog about before the wedding.

I want to leave you with a few images to show you a glimpse of how we experienced the day:

We had a meaningful ceremony.

We oohed and aahed over each other.

We cried (or at least I did).

We DEFINITELY danced.

It's good to be back as a Mrs. :)

All images courtesy of Dante Williams.

Looking Ahead

With the preparations pretty much close to done and things beginning to move closer towards the wedding, I feel like I'm in a bit of a holding pattern here. I don't really feel like I can resume life as I know it just yet because I feel like I've got to put any extra energy I have towards finalizing the wedding planning. At the same time, I'm daydreaming. Oh yes, I'm daydreaming about a time when I will not have to travel for work OR have to partake in any wedding planning. This process has been a lot of fun for me, but I am definitely ready to move on. So, what am I looking forward to taking up or restarting?

1) Knitting - I think I am going to be taking up knitting. FMIL Swan has given me my own little starter kit, and I am excited to take a beginners' class at a local knitting shop. Perhaps knitting will let me get over my DIY insecurities? Any knitters out there care to give any tips to a beginner?

(source)

2) Being a docent - I don't know how this is going to work out. I had been chosen to be a docent at a major art museum here in NYC. Then I got my job, which requires me to travel to another part of the state for half the year on a weekly basis. That's not a good combination. Then I had wedding planing in the mix. Needless to say, I missed the rest of docent training. I'm not sure if I'll still be able to participate due to my prolonged absences, but I'd really love a shot at it again.

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To partially retrain myself, I'm going to try to slip in a visit to an exhibit of pieces by Francis Bacon, a 20th century British painter who I know nothing about.

3) Seeing friends - not a hobby, but I am sorely out of touch with many of my friends due to travel and wedding planning. I'm so excited to see so many of them that I have not been able to see regularly.

4) Dance - "So You Think You Can Dance" as usual has made me want to get into a studio. I think I may need a dance accountability buddy to make sure that I get myself there.

(source)

Hmmm...what else? Trying out the the recipes in the "Nigella Express" and "Joy of Cooking" cookbooks we received as wedding presents; maybe finally making time to brush up on a language (or two) and ofcourse figuring out what to blog about next. In my mind, the possibilities are endless!

Are there any things that you are looking forward to doing AFTER the wedding and the planning are done?

I Can't Even Cut Paper Correctly...

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but Mr. Swan can!!! :) As you all may notice from my posts I am not the DIY Queen around these parts; however, I discovered that Mr. Swan is pretty darn crafty!

We had this very, very basic thing we needed to get done that would technically require me to flex my crafty skills. Let's just say that the project won, and I sulked back into my little corner. Next thing, I know Mr. Swan whips out some scissors and away he went. Voila! I think it comes from years of art projects for fun (FMIL Swan was an art teacher for many years). Perhaps there is a Martha Stewart lurking inside of him!

This little project isn't the only aspect of the wedding that Mr. Swan has played a very helpful role. I've depended on his handy dandy Excel spreadsheets, his phone calls, haggling and words of support. He's definitely stepped up in the last month and a half. While the wedding is really the product of primarily my vision, Mr. Swan has definitely handled a lot of tiny details. I am so appreciative of his help.

How involved has your fiance been in the wedding planning? Do you wish your fiance was more involved....or less? :)

Fighting with My Body

With the wedding days away, I've had two nights in a row of insomnia. The problem is that it's not just the wedding on my mind: I've got this tricky career move decision I'm mulling over; Mr. Swan has all of a sudden gotten a flurry of interviews (YAY!!!); and work travel keeps flaring up again even though it was supposed to stop over a month ago (I am technically scheduled to be away for a day two days before the wedding, but it's not clear. I am NOT happy).

This isn't a new pattern for me though. Whenever there are big life changes around the corner, or if I am in the midst of major change, my mind races and sleep goes out the window. What's annoying is that this actually makes me extra emotional and more prone to freak out. At the very least I'm eating well and actually exercising, but sleep would be nice.

When wedding stress reaches its highest levels for you, does your body react? How do you deal with it? Are there any other bride insomniacs out there?

Dear Old Dad

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Steve Martin is not my Dad, but he's seems like such a sweetie in this movie.

I've never seen "Father of the Bride", and I should not be admitting that as a wedding blogger, should I? :)

I don't really know how to begin this post as it is intensely personal for me. My relationship with my Dad is not really a strong one. While my Dad is a nice guy, we are not close. He has not played a major role in my life. He and Mommy Swan never got married, and Mommy Swan has been my parent, both mother and father. 

I have always been pretty nonchalant about my Dad and our relationship. We speak several times throughout the year, but I would not say that I share my hopes, fears and dreams with him. I don't call him when I need a shoulder to cry on; our conversations are pretty much about regular everyday things. It also doesn't help that he lives in the Caribbean, so there is a certain amount of physical distance between the two of us that already adds to the distance in our relationship. 

When it comes to wedding planning, I have always been a bit jealous of brides who gush about having their fathers walk them down the aisle and can't wait to have the father/daughter dance at the wedding. That's not necessarily me. It's been hard trying to figure out how to walk a fine line between wanting to include my Dad out of respect and wanting to also recognize that our relationship is not necessarily a traditional one. It's made for some planning conundrums for me. Does my Dad walk me down the aisle with Mommy Swan? Does he stand with Mommy Swan as the rest of our immediate families will during the ceremony? Do we do a father/daughter dance with the requisite tender emotional song?  All of this got to me so much that I kinda broke down and cried visiting Mommy Swan one afternoon. 

There's already so much emotion fraught with weddings because it is so public. I usually don't have to display my relationship with my Dad for all to see and now I do. How have I decided to handle this?  Well, my Dad lives in the Caribbean, so it's still not clear that he will make it to the wedding. We're hoping so. The plan is that he'll walk me down the aisle with my Mom, and we'll have a parent dance together with Mr. Swan and FMIL Swan. I think this will be a good way of incorporating him into the wedding in a way that I'll feel comfortable. 

Have interesting family dynamics influenced your wedding planning?

-

I am not channelling the artist sorta known as Prince, but this one little punctuation mark, the hyphen, is playing a little bit of a role in my name change situation. There have been a variety of posts on name changing from Bees current and past, so I know that this is not a new topic here in Weddingbee land. We blogging Bees and you readers have taken both sides of the argument from keeping your name; to taking your fiances name; to making your maiden name your middle name. I like to do things my own way and often that results in some difficulty. You see, I've decided to hyphenate my last name. 

Yeah, I know that this shouldn't be such a big deal, but I have a bit of wrinkle in all of this name change business: My first name is HYPHENATED!!! That's right. Here's what my name is now:

First Name - First Name  Middle Name  Last Name.

I can't believe I want to hyphenhate my LAST name! I know! Super long names...I just can't get enough!

After researching this a bit, I've learned that while I can change my last name quite easily, my first name is a whole other topic. I was able to choose a new surname on our marriage license application. I find it interesting that Mr. Swan was not given the option to change his on the form, but I digress... To change my first name, I would be required to go through a judicial proceeding. While it seems ministerial at best, I just don't think I want to invest the time and energy into this kind of endeavor (for lack of a better word) as name changing already seems like a barrel of fun as it is. Apparently, as long as I use my name consistently without intent to fraud, I should be good to go (luckily, three years of law school and a lot debt allows me to know what this means). Thank you New York State Domestic Relations Law for giving me a break!

As of right now, LEGALLY my post-marriage name will be:

First Name-First Name  Middle Name  Last Name-Last Name (Are you still following me?) BUT

I will probably go through work and my daily life as:

First Name   Last Name - Last Name

Don't ask me how this is all going to work as I will be making this up as I go along. ;)

I very rarely hear women mention that they will hyphenate their names. It's probably too much of a hassle, huh? My few married friends have all chosen to keep their last names with the exception of one. As with everything in life I want to have my cake and eat it too....my way. As much as it's going to be a pain, I want to give honor to both families that I will belong to. 

Moral of the story: If you're thinking about hyphenating your child's first name in the future, DON'T DO IT!! :)

Do any of you have any special name change challenges?

Through the Ring-er

I don't know if you've noticed, but I have not talked about my engagement ring, so here it is.

It's not that I don't like my engagement ring. I LOVE IT. Yet I often feel particularly uncomfortable about discussing it with people or for lack of a better phrase "showing it off." I guess I'll reveal to you all my insecurity about the fact that my ring is a bit bigger than I expected (Ugh! It pained me to write that!!!). While I love it as the most lovely and generous gift that Mr. Swan has ever given me, I find that often some other people view my ring (or really enagement rings in general) in a different way.

The moment I got engaged to Mr. Swan I was this big ball of emotion and tears. I looked at my ring and thought it looked great, but I think I was just so out of sorts and giddy that I didn't really think about it much. Plus it didn't even fit my ring finger. I had a pretty expensive pinky ring for about a week before I got a chance to get it resized by the jeweler.

After I started to see friends and acquaintances post-engagement, people were starting to make more of a big deal about my ring than I was.  I started to get upset. In my mind, I was just excited to even be getting married. My mother never got married and again most of my female family and friends are not. I was just happy to have found someone. Yet all many people could talk about was the ring. As an illustrative example, I will share with you a "ring run in" that occured with a relative of Mr. Swan last year during the holidays. 

Pretty much said relative walked into the room, asked me how I was doing, and then said "Let's see your ring" all within the span of two minutes! I had just started as new, challenging and interesting job the month before. She didn't ask me about that. I was spending my first major holiday away from my family. She didn't ask me how I felt about that. She didn't even asked about how I was enjoying being engaged. Um, hello, it's nice to see you too. I was a bit pissy that she barely even made an effort to even make some kind of conversation before she even looked at my ring. Dude, I'm a person that exists independent of my ring. 

It got me thinking about engagement rings and why we as a society put so much stock in them. I understand the symbolism of the ring of course. I know that it signifies an acceptance of a marriage proposal and life long committement, but I definitely feel like perhaps there is a little too much emphasis on it. I wish sometimes I would get more congratulations and questions about how I'm feeling about becoming a wife than about my ring. 

It upsets me when I read about women made to feel inferior or otherwise because they receive a diamond that's too small or too big (or did not receive a diamond at all!) by others who choose to steal their joy about the ring instead of giving words of encouragement to them regarding this amazing new life event. I don't think we should do away with engagement rings and that they are important to some degree but maybe we all need to do some soul searching about our attitudes towards them. By the way, I am not perfect. I have had my judgey moments about big rings...BUT I keep it hidden away in the back of my mind in the "Keep it to Yourself" folder!!!

Have you been in a situation where you felt uncomfortable about your engagement ring? I will get down off my soapbox now, but I'd be interested be in hearing your opinions.

The Odd Couple

I know you're expecting them: 

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Instead I'll give you a picture of me and Mr. Swan.

(Here we are moments before getting engaged)

You see we're an odd couple. I couldn't be marrying a man that is so different from me in so many ways possible. Mr. Swan and I come from such drastically different backgrounds and life experiences that early in our relationship I often wondered if it would really work in the long term. I will admit something to you. In addition to being oblivious that I was even on a date during our first date, I also had pretty much ruled him out as a dating partner without truly getting to know him.

Hear me out, folks. I had been in a few relationships  with men that were very different from me (race, nationality, spiritual beliefs, etc. ), and they had not worked out. Some because of differences in outlook and some for other reasons. I know in 2009 we don't want to talk about these kinds of things, but our cultural and other life experiences do shape us. 

In case you're wondering, here are the ways Mr. Swan and I are different:

Miss Swan

1. Raised by single mom

2. Grew up in large racially and culturally 

diverse city

3. Strong faith orientation

4.  Working class immigrant family

Mr. Swan

1. Parents have been married for 37 years

2. Grew up in small racially and culturally 

homogeneous town

3. Not much into issues of religion and faith

4. Upper middle class family

Plus we are also an interracial couple, if you haven't noticed. :)

I'm not gonna front, e'erbody. When I first started dating Mr. Swan, I thought, "What the heck am I doing? How is this going to work?" There was times when I wasn't sure how he would ever fully understand me as a person and really provide some of the emotional support that I needed. It's bad enough having to deal with the dynamics of being in a relationship with all of our quirks and nuances as people, but then we had to deal with race, cultural, spiritual, class and sometimes political differences. 

I also wondered what this meant for me as someone who very much identifies with her racial and cultural background. Would being with Mr. Swan mean that my culture was less important to me than I thought? The outside world even in the 2000's is sometimes not the most helpful either as I engaged in my own internal struggles. We do get stared at even in my lovely New York City. I probably would stare a little at us too if I did not know us. Here I am with my long locs in some sort of funky outfit walking next to a very preppy looking blonde guy.

After being together for awhile I was determined to deal with our differences head on in part because I thoroughly grew to love Mr. Swan and felt in my heart that there was no reason we could NOT be together. We talked and talked and talked and talked some more about our differences. We both know that the only way to be with each other is to acknowledge where we come from and how we've grown and not act like that our background and experiences don't shape how we intereact with each other and our relationship. We will still have challenges?Ofcourse we will, but I think that we have come to an understanding about who we are and that our differences can be positive for our relationship and its future. We each will bring something to the table that will only help us grow together. 

I've also learned through our time together that we have very similar personalities. We're both sort of slightly high strung (depending on the issue), high energy types. :) 

Do you and your fiance come from different backgrounds, have different life experiences or different belief systems? How do you navigate those differences in your relationship? 

Two Weddings and a Bus Ride

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I realize that I have never really talked about how Mr. Swan and I met. As I mentioned, we met at a wedding of all places!  We met for the first time at the destination wedding of Z and B, two of our childhood friends, in Negril, Jamaica in November 2005. I had known Z since she was about 10 years old after meeting her while we both participated in a youth academic enrichment program  and later attended college together. B and Mr. Swan were childhood friends from Rhode Island who attended elementary school together and stayed close friends throughout their adult life.

I had met B and many of B and Mr. Swan’s mutual friends but never met Mr. Swan until the day of the wedding when Mr. Swan came up to me to introduce himself after the ceremony. We spoke briefly several times for the rest of the weekend, but we did not really connect until our bus ride from the hotel to the airport in Montego Bay. On the bus we enjoyed talking to each other so much that Mr. Swan invited me to a wedding the very next week in Virginia  before he even got off the bus (I was living in DC at the time, and Mr. Swan was living in New York City). He was a pretty brave soul if I do say so myself. 

I thought going to the wedding would be fun. Besides it wasn’t a date ….or was it? Maybe it was Mr. Swan’s friendly demeanor, or maybe I was being completely oblivious. Either way I totally thought I was just accompanying a new friend to an event. I know what you are thinking: "Miss Swan, how could you not know that this was a date?" Well to be honest, I don't know many married people both within and outside my family (most of my friends are unmarried), and so it did not really occur to me that going to a wedding was such a big deal. I thought I'd hang out, get some free drinks and a meal and just wing it. (I realize that's what some people are going to do at our weddings). At the wedding the following weekend,  I even turned to Mr. Swan's best friend's girlfriend at the time and asked her if she had any nice friends for him back in New York. DOH!! Yes, everybody, I was that clueless!!

Somewhere between dessert and post-dinner dancing I realized that I was on a date. At that point, I realized that I kinda liked Mr. Swan. He was sweet, gentlemanly and fun to be around. If you had told me that he was going to be my future husband at the time, I would have laughed...a lot. Anyway, two weddings and a bus ride prompted a six month long-distance relationship and a now almost four year relationship. It seems that this meeting at a wedding thing works. FMIL and FFIL Swan met at a wedding and celebrated their 37th wedding anniversary last week!

Did you or anyone you know meet a significant other at a wedding? 

Worry, Worry Go Away!

I would say that I have been pretty stress free for most of the planning thus far. I'm not stressing about the wedding actually coming together or whether things will be perfect. Mr. Swan and I will be married so the perfection will happen for sure. BUT I can't help shake some worries from my mind as we stare down the wedding two months away. So what am I worrying about now? 

1. Many of my friends and family won't make it. - A large chunk of my family and quite a few of my friends live very far away: Hawaii, Paris, London, the Caribbean. Right now, it's looking like most of our guest list will be primarily Mr. Swan's guests. That's not a bad thing, but I do want to be surrounded by the people that are particularly special to me as well. Plus, we're experiencing a baby boom amongst our friends, so even less people to expect. We've still got a lot of RSVPs outstanding so I'm not going to worry too much. Speaking of RSVPs

2. We won't make our minimum. -  (See above) WHAT?!! Usually people are worried that they'll have more guests than they can handle! We've sent out our invitations, but I'm worried that a combination of newborn babies, extensive travel, etc., will keep people away. It's not like I am starting with a ton of people on our ever-changing guest list anyway. I have a very small group of people that I would call friends. Many of them are not married or have significant others so that adds some weird dynamics to the guest list (the whole plus one/"and guest" thing has been kind of confusing for me). Mr. Swan is the opposite; lots of friends all who are married or in long-term dating relationships. I'm not very close to my father's side of my family, many of whom live outside of the country. Most people have the exact opposite issue...yikes! I think we'll  be fine, but it's a worry. 

3. The wedding will be boring. I don't know where I'm getting this from, but I have this weird fear that people will sit around, not dance and stare at each other. Mr. Swan's friends are loud; mine will dance, so where this is coming from I don't know. Everyone coming will be so different from each other that I guess I fear that they won't mix. I've always been the world's most nervous host. Since this is probably the biggest party I'll ever throw, I guess I should not be surprised that I've got major nerves. 

4. Money, money, money. - Need I say more? We're fine but still...I feel like we've been pretty economical so far and this is still not turning out to be very cheap. Sigh....

Do (Did) you have any fears/worries about the wedding?

Hurdling

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Oh My, Hive!

I feel like I am jumping through hurdles right now. This is the height of my busy season for my job. I am now traveling four days per week. Last week I left at 7:30am on Monday, got home 10pm on Thursday and had a 9:00am meeting at work the next day. I’m beat. I’m tired of traveling, and I’ve still got to plan a wedding. It took us a month to schedule the appointments with our minister because she’s pretty busy, and I’m never home!

When I am home, I spend time running errands and making a feeble attempt at actually relaxing. Sometimes I actually get some work done. I will say that I am glad that I have stuck to my “Keep it Simple” mantra and that has allowed me to not have an exhaustive list of to-dos. Planning ahead during last fall truly helped. I also have to give a big shout to Mr. Swan who has been holding down the fort at home and been extremely helpful.

Sorry to B%#*% and moan. I know I am not the only one out there that has something crazy going one while trying to plan their wedding.

For those of you having major life things going on right now (e.g., a busy job, buying a house, studying for the bar exam or any other major professional exam, moving), how are you maintaining your energy and life balance and making sure that things get done for the wedding?

Will It Be NICE?/Lamentations of a Wedding Blogger

(not me, but close right now)

I’ve been having a hard time lately. I’ve been feeling kinda insecure about my wedding. As I am sure you’ve seen from my posts I do love weddings, but I’ve been feeling a little weird about mine.  One of the first reactions when I found out that I got picked to be a Bee quickly went from “Yay! How amazing!!” to “Oh #%@$, Mr. Swan!  People are going to be looking at my wedding!!” I mean I was now a wedding blogger at that very moment. Being a wedding blogger, I do feel some pressure to have this totally cool and interesting wedding, ya know? I know that for many people my wedding may have some of the little pretty details but compared to my fellow Bees and you, dear readers, I kinda feel a bit…..inadequate. I know you all are not whispering Kate Hudson’s line from “Bride Wars” about your weddings kicking my wedding’s butt (at least I hope not), but I think you can’t help compare too, right?

It’s not that I haven’t tried to fight being worried about how my wedding will be perceived by all of you super crafty, creative folks out there or anyone else for that matter. I am creative, but weddings require and emphasize a certain ability that gives a great advantage to you visual artists out there.  I’m not one of you (I'm a dancer); I can sort of tell how the wedding will come together, but at this point it’s all a guess for me. I’m sure you’re sick of hearing me say that I don’t craft. :) 

Right now I am not planning many of the amazing little details that many of you are: pretty programs, special favors and you’ve already seen my invitations. Maybe that will change at the last minute. I’m kinda worried that my recap posts will not be particularly interesting or that my wedding just won’t be….nice.  At moments, my emotional state ranges from Mrs. Cheese during her "moment" way back when and Mrs. Peep Toe’s ability to step away from the details.

Right now, I’m going to take another blogger’s advice and chill out about having a "nice wedding," but it’s hard with the wedding about two months away.

Anyone else in the same boat?