Exorcising My Wedding Dress Demons

Hey there, hive! I've got a story for you. I don't really know how to address this issue, since it touches on some feelings that I've been harboring since my wedding. I am slowly coming to terms with this a full NINE months AFTER my wedding. What is troubling me so? My dress.

Honestly, I liked my dress. I liked it a lot...but I can't help but feel that I lost out on some bridal rite of passage by not buying a brand name/designer dress.

By the way, just in case you forgot, here's my dress, which is also Mrs. Nachos' dress. Great minds.....:)

I usually don't covet other people's stuff, especially things on the pricier end of the spectrum, even moreso when it comes to clothes. 9 times out of 10 when it comes to clothing shopping, I'll roll out to H &M, Zara or maybe splurge at Club Monaco (See, not even close to designer!). I usually shock some people who inquire about certain things I wear and get a heap of furrowed brows when I tell them it's from Old Navy. (Don't sleep on old Navy, folks!) Add all of this to the fact that during my planning process, I definitely didn't get into "I must feel like a bride" or "It must be 'bridal' or nothing" attitude, so why the heck do I still feel a sense of loss that I never had the pretty designer wedding dress from the fancy bridal store?

I had been thinking about my feelings of "loss" here and there, but the issue didn't rear it's ugly head until one morning when I was futzing around Twitter. I saw a tweet that profoundly disturbed me. The tweet was about Ms. Vera Wang's decision to sell a line at David's Bridal. Someone I happen to follow (who I no longer follow, and you'll know why in a second) pretty much called the move "Barfworthy." SAY WHAT?! HOLD UP! WAIT A MINUTE!

Look, we are all entitled to our opinions. I also know nothing can start an angry stampede of brides than the mention of the words "David's Bridal." But come on...barfworthy? I don't judge people by what labels they wear in everyday life. I'm not about to start on their wedding day. Maybe this was my own insecurity whispering angry words into my ears, but I really don't like when people turn their noses up at others for something as small as clothing choices. Perhaps I'm a bit harsh, but I would love to see a happy, ecstatic bride regardless of what the label in her dress says.

The tweeter and I exchanged some tweets. I told her to each her own regarding dress choices, and I disengaged and stopped following her. In the weeks since my little "incident" on Twitter has occurred, I think I've made some peace with my dress choice.

My dress did what it needed to do. It made me look great the one day I wanted it make me look and feel fabulous. It's now sitting in my closet pressed and dry-cleaned waiting for me to get off my behind and do something with it (maybe publishing this post will spur me into action?). I loved my wedding day, but I have no desire to wear my dress again. I actually don't think about my darling dress very much at all.

So in an effort to finally rid myself of my unnecessary insecurity and unfounded regret, I've decided to write a short letter to the Bridal Gown Industry to exorcise my dress demons and finally move on.

May 2010

Dear Bridal Gown Industry,

Unlike many women, I didn't like my bridal gown shopping experience. It was at times disheartening, frustrating and could sometimes be a pretty big pain in the arse. There are some things I need to tell you, and I feel that by telling you publicly I will rid myself of feeling that I missed out on some quintessential bridal experience.

I would just like to say that my name is Mrs. Swan, and:

1. I tried on over 60 dresses, and it took me forever to find a dress I liked. Even when I did, I questioned it when as I was buying it. There were no angels singing nor did the heavens part once I found my dress. I did not cry. I just kinda bought the dress. Please don't tell me there is a "one" dress made for me. There probably could have been tons of others out there, if I was willing to spend more money.

2. I know that you all strive to be creative and regale us with new designs each season, but how about something else besides strapless dresses? I promise that brides will like a little something different.

3. Some of us want a dress that is reasonably priced. For some strange reason, Bridal Gown Industry, you have decided that reasonably priced somehow equals beading. Why does there need to be an odd direct correlation between more beading and lower price.

4. Why don't many stores let us take pictures? Would it really be that bad? If I want to copy the dress, I'll just go to the designer's website. It's not that crucial. I would have still bought your dress if you let me take a picture to show my family and friends. Finally....

5. I live in New York City, and I have never been to Kleinfeld's.

Thank you, for letting me tell you those things, Bridal Gown Industry. I am now going to finish my newlywed days being at peace with my dress choice.

May I never have to shop for a wedding dress ever again,

Mrs. Swan

A Harborside Wedding - Puttin' It on at the Ritz, Dress & Shoes Edition

Okay, hair and makeup done!

Now I actually had to put on THE dress. I am usually someone who likes to put clothes on by myself. How about you? However, this is in fact a wedding, and so the rules of everyday life are suspended for several hours. That's why I had two people helping me get dressed. One you may remember is Mommy Swan. Who is the very diligent woman working the zipper? That's Christine Viola of Exquisite Affairs Productions, my day-of coordinator. Christine was super helpful helping me get dressed, making sure I stayed calm that morning and most importantly if there were any issues, I surely didn't know about them.

Okay, is it me, or does it look like we're struggling to get this dress on me? I can say with all of the traveling that I did the months leading up to the wedding I didn't really get the opportunity to work out like I would have liked. Traveling and wedding planning made me a lazy lady. Don't worry, my seamstress just made sure my dress wasn't going to slip if I had to dance to "Jump Around" by House of Pain, but I did have to suck in my stomach a little. Ooops! At least I'm honest, right? :)

Whatcha lookin' at, Dante? :)

Everything was going fine until I realized that I forgot something. I'm Forgetful Jones' daughter, so it's no surprise to me that I couldn't find, or as I like to say "misplaced", a piece of my wedding outfit.

Once we found the missing item (I think it was a bracelet), I started sorta laughing at Mommy Swan. Don't joke around with your Momma especially when she's dressing you like a 2 year-old. You see, Mommy Swan thought I was a delicate, little bride while she was putting these on me:

Well, I did say that I wanted flats. For those of you who have worn lace up gladiator-like sandals you know you can't be cute when you're tying them. If all the blood had to drain out of my feet, it was going to happen. Those bad boys were staying on my feet on my wedding day no matter what!! Mommy Swan was being a little too gentle for my tastes, so I decided to take over and brutalize my ankles. Aaahhh....what we do for fashion...

See, Mommy Swan, I had this under control...Muah!

Now give me a hug...

So you'd think I was ready at this point.....NOT!! Wanna see how many people can fuss with a veil? Stay tuned.

Before I forget:

Swan Tip #3a - Don't be afraid to accept help on your wedding day (and not just to get ready), even if you think you can do it by yourself. Allow yourself to be helped and even pampered a bit. You don't get married everyday (at least I hope you don't:)).

Swan Tip #3b - Know when to step in and take charge if you need to, but also remember Swan Tip #3a.

Swan Tip #3c - Make sure your dress fits...HA!

All images by Dante Williams, The Great.

What else has happened?

Insomnia and quiet time (Swan Tip #1)

Fun with makeup (Swan Tip #2)

The Next Life

Doesn't it look like there's a mummy in my garment bag?

Well, my lovely dress is having a rest, and it has been sitting on the futon in our office for the almost four weeks that I have been married. Honestly, I don't know what to do with it. I know that I need to get it cleaned, but what should my dress' next life be?

There are obviously quite a few options for what I can do with my dress post-wedding:

1) Preserve It - I always have the option of keeping my dress for my daughters. I have to admit that this option is not really too appealing to me? Why? Well, Mr. Swan's family tends to produce male children. JUST KIDDING! :) But seriously, that's a consideration, no? I may just not have any daughters at all. The one daughter I may have may not like my style; and hey, my style may be out of style by the time she's ready to get married. Another practical consideration: where am I going to put it? I do have a nice sized closet for a New York City apartment, but my dress will take up a fair amount of space that I'd like to use for clothes I'll actually wear. Plus some of the costs of professional preservation have surprised me. Ummm...how much? Hmm...

2) Sell It - The semi-capitalist in me wants to just sell my dress. It will create the space in my closet that I need and maybe I can make a little moola in the process! I will say that I am pretty intimidated about the selling process. Do I use Craiglist, Once Wed, Bravo Bride, PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com, Ebay? There are so many options. Am I missing any? I'd love to know if any of you have used these services and which was most user-friendly for you.

3) Donate It - I like the idea of my dress not only helping out another bride, but also possibly helping out a larger cause. I'm definitely considering Bridal Garden, a great used gown store whose proceeds go to local educational charities here in Brooklyn. While I may not get the financial reward from this option (well perhaps a tax credit), I think that my gown will bring some happiness to a lot more people than I will ever imagine. Bridal Garden will allow me to help my actual community. That said I don't know if they want my David's Bridal dress (everything there was a bit more designer when I visited), but maybe they're not picky? Also I know that Brides Against Breast Cancer is a popular option, but I am not sure if they are active in New York (correct me if I am wrong, my people). I would be even happier to donate my dress to them as my aunt died of breast cancer several years ago. I missed her at the wedding.

What are you planning to do with your dress after you get married? Have you thought of any options that I have not?

A Little Detail

Okay, it's actually a major one: my dress!

I decided not to blog about my dress before the wedding because I never know when Mr. Swan is lurking around here. :)

Since I've already shown you some of the other dresses I've tried, I'll just cut to the chase.

Here it is:

As you can see, it's a mermaid style dress with a train and a little asymmetrical twist, aka David's Bridal ML9521. Part of me wished it didn't have the train, but it did make for a pretty cool bustle. My lovely seamstresss, Ann Hamilton, and I ended up calling my bustle a "Super French" bustle since it looked like some pretty French dessert by the time she finished creating it.

Ofcourse I also didn't want my dress to have any beading either, but there was some beading on the neckline and on the left hand side at the hip.

I don't know what it was, but shopping for dresses in my price range often led me to dresses with beading when I was trying desperately to get away from them. Hmm..conspiracy maybe? :)

In the end I really didn't like the wedding dress shopping process for a variety of reasons which I'll perhaps talk about. I even had doubts about my dress. A train and beading during the day? It seemed like a lot to me, and it was definitely not what I envisioned. I even thought about whether I should have gotten another dress, but I couldn't justify spending anymore money.

Speaking of money, I am glad that I stayed the course with my dress because, well, it was a very cost conscious choice. We came slightly under budget with our wedding, and I believe (actually I KNOW) that having a less expensive dress really helped. I'm not gonna front though...I really wished I could have had a beautiful Jim Hjelm or any other designer dress. I have definitely drooled over some of the dresses I've seen here on Weddingbee from both bees and readers. In the end though, my dress accomplished what I wanted it to: I felt pretty :) I guess that's all I can ask.

Whatcha Talkin' About, David?

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I may have mentioned that I did not like dress shopping very much, but I felt like one of the easier places to go shopping in the early stages was to David's as the store carries a lot of styles and silhouettes in a price range I knew I could afford on the spot. At the end of my initial experience, I felt like Arnold from "Different Strokes" mumbling under my breath "Whatcha talkin' about, David?" as I tried on some of these dresses (by the way, who's David?). I felt like David was trying to straight up play me with the some of these dresses. I came to find out over the course of time that I really wasn't into most wedding dresses AT ALL. Looking back at the process now, I will say that I did like having a range of styles to try on at first especially since me and my picky self had some criteria for the dress ( Y'all know I'm gonna write a list, so sit back and enjoy :) ) :

1) Chill with the beading. I know a lot of ladies like the beading, but it just didn't appeal to me.

2) Keep it light. I did not want to feel like I was carrying the weight of a small child on me all day.

3) Find a way to get away from wearing a strapless dress ( 'cause someone done wrote a memo to the bridal industry that that's what brides [want to] wear these days.)

4) Did I mention beading?

Anyway, here are some of the dresses that I tried on at first that did not make the cut.

This dress wasn't so bad...

BUT it had this!!!!

In my mind I was channelling Faye Dunaway in "Mommy Dearest" - NO. BEADING. EVER!!! In my very early dress shopping stages, I was completely and adamantly opposed to beading. Ofcourse, how I did rectify that? I bought a dress with some beading. Sigh...


Then my very sweet consultant put a veil and a tiara on me. Wrong move...I'm still trying to figure out if I want a veil right now.

I look pretty happy here, don't I?

The next dress had more of a "Va Va Voom" quality to it. This dress was the beginning of my love affair with mermaid style dresses. I always envisioned this kind of dress, since I figured I should try to show a curve or two.

I was kinda into this dress, but my (ahem!) Bonita Applebum was kinda sticking out there. That the dress was tight (not "tight" as in "good" or "cool" but as in actually tight!) is an understatement.

Alas, this dress looked as if the Bead Fairy had had its way with it too, so I moved on.

This dress was the type of dress I thought I wanted before I started shopping. Something light, airy and simple.

However, I didn't think this dress was really doing anything for me.

So there's a sample of some of the types of dresses that I tried on during my first trip shopping. I think I got a quick sense of what I liked and what I didn't, and it guided me well through the rest of the process.

How was your first trip wedding dress shopping? Did you realize what you were looking for in a dress pretty early?

Done & Done

I did it. I bought the dress. I am done. I don't/didn't feel like thinking about it or dealing with it anymore.

Here's the low-down:

1. It is a David's Bridal dress. 

2. It's pretty close to what I would like my "dream" dress to be....not completely there, but close; however, it is my dream price. 

3. I did not buy the dress that Mom CPF wanted me to. I needed a dress that felt like me and not someone else. I'll feel like me and not someone else in this dress. 

Specifics on the dress without a picture for my one faithful reader, Mr. CPF to follow. 

4. I bought it by myself. There was no gaggle of people oohing and aahing and surrounding me. Just me. 

5. While I love this dress, I did not have an "A HA!" moment that I've been told you should have when you find "The One" dress. I really like it. That should be enough, shouldn't it? I even had a really good dose of doubt for a second. That somehow seems healthy to me. 

6. I remembered one thing: this is one dress that I will wear for nine to ten hours for one day. It will not define me or my marriage. 

I'm happy to be done. 

Keeping It Short & Sweet

I love the idea of breaking rules if you can when it comes to weddings, and to me one of the best areas to do this is with a bride's dress. I think it's perfectly fine to explode the wedding paradigm here. I was completely thinking about a shorter style since Mr. Swan and I will be having a daytime wedding in August heat. At this point, while I know the dream of many women is a big princess dress, I sometimes wish I had the guts to go the short or tea-length route. Plus, after at one point harboring feelings like there is no dress out there for me, I really wanted to pull a Carrie Bradshaw (or at one point, Miss Mary Jane) and rock a cute suit. Alas, my dress is something long and floor length.

Another push away from a short dress is that I think they require some pretty badass shoes particularly heels. I would love to do that, but I plan on wearing flats. Mr. Swan is pretty close to me in height. While it does not usually bother me, I'd love for us to be the same height on our wedding day. ;)

I'm really feeling what I am seeing from designers as they offer more options in dress lengths for those brides willing to take a bit of a risk. Here are a few of the new tea-length and short styles that many designers are currently offering for their upcoming seasons.

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I like the sexy and sweet options here. Go ahead, Ms. Amsale. These are super hot!

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Here's something sleek and chic from Priscilla of Boston. This is being dubbed a "reception dress."

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I think these dresses are an interesting sampling of what's out there. I hope we'll soon see more options for dress lengths and necklines in the future.

Anyone out there thinking of short or tea-length dress? Do it!!!

I Got Schooled

I have a confession to make: I'm not as enlightened about weddings as I like to think I am. Let me explain.

I had a major problem with dress shopping. Everything I saw was either too expensive; had just come out in the designers' most recent collection and unavailable in stores; or was a bit over the top for me. I am not into the princess look, nor am I really attracted to a lot of beading or crystals (although I think many women look beautiful in these looks). I did not really look forward to the dress shopping process and had been putting it off slowly, which in turn made me even hate it more.

Also I should let you know that as much as I like style and nice clothing, I don't pay for it. I don't own a pair of Jimmy Choos or Loubutins; I can't recognize last season's Prada. With NYC mortgage payments, student loans and a major love of travel and food, expensive clothes just don't make the top of the list of priorities for me. I find a way to still be pretty stylish though. People who compliment me on my clothing are surprised when I tell them it's H &M or Zara, so I guess I am doing something right. :)


Now about this whole wedding dress shopping thing... why did I not initially adopt this same m.o. for that? I coveted dresses that were way above my budget and felt this sense of hopelessness that I won't find THE ONE (if there even is a ONE dress out there for me).

Enter David's Bridal. I will admit that even though it's a great place to find a dress, I did not take it seriously as a place to shop. It was the first place I visited to try dresses since I knew I would I would find a dress in my budget range for sure. My first visit was pretty uneventful, and I had a great consultant who was helpful and sweet. BUT I still thought that David's was, well, the "Old Navy of Bridal Shops." (Please don't hate me, just being honest..this post gets better) Plus I had read so many negative experiences from brides who shopped there on various bride message boards. Yet David's is a great sources for many women who want their dream dress but can't afford the designer prices...like me.

Then right around Christmas time, I saw it online: the dress that I thought may just be it. I went; I tried it on and I loved it (minus some of the beading on it). I had yet another positive experience at David's. Then I thought about my previous attitude towards this store. Was I letting what too many bridal magazines and bridal TV shows love to tell brides, i.e., that more expensive is automatically better regardless of who you are? The more expensive the dress, flowers or invites is automatically the best choice for you? I was a little disappointed in myself. Even if it is the "Old Navy of Bridal Shops" perhaps David's Bridal would have my wedding dress.

I've realized that I can't count anything out during this process as it may be exactly what I am looking for. The local floral shop, home-based business, or Etsy shop may just be exactly what I want and need for this wedding, and you know what? That's okay. Sometimes you know these things, and you have to let your experiences teach you over and over again.

Anyway, thank you, David's Bridal, for schooling me.

(By the way, I ended up with the David's dress..I'll definitely blog more about it. Also I know that there are many less expensive stores and designers out there that are not David's Bridal. I encourage everyone to look high and low for what truly fits them and their budget.)

Wow!

WOW! I wonder if this looks good in person as it does online. The price is pretty darn nice!

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