Taking the Long Route

(source)

Around the time that this post will go up, I will be celebrating another birthday as well as my first month as a newlywed. As one of the older bride bloggers in recent memory on Weddingbee, I figured that I would talk about being a slightly older bride. I've definitely appreciated Miss Star's posts about being a younger bride (here, here, here, and here). Since I've got a couple years on her (okay, like, a whole lot more), I thought I would also provide some perspective on the other end of the spectrum. I know that I am not the oldest bride/newlywed ever on Weddingbee, but I think being a bride marrying well after the national average of 26 years old for women in the U.S. has some specific joys and challenges. One of my primary motivations for writing this post is that I often feel like sometimes there is this sense that there is a self-destruct button when one turns 30, especially for unmarried women. Well, I am here to let you know that I been to the mountain top, and the view is fine. :)

How did I get to be slightly older bride? I don't know because I surely didn't plan it! I actually didn't meet Mr. Swan until I was 28. I spent most of my 20's without so much as a boyfriend. I definitely went on dates and had some significant romantic entanglements, but I had not had any long term committed relationships since my early 20's. Actually by the time I met Mr. Swan back in late 2005, I had not even had a date for about eleven months!! I was at the point in my life where I didn't think I was going to get married, and to be honest, I was pretty okay with it. I had definitely made my peace with the idea of not being married and was relishing a life of complete, adult freedom. None of my friends were married or engaged; my family is not full of married people; and so I did not have what I like to call a "culture of marriage" surrounding me.

Granted, I think when and how you get married is a product of a lot of different social forces. I think it's a function of where you live, your social groups, life choices; you name it. Based on my quick, unscientific sociological research, I am probably a pretty prime candidate/statistic for later marriage: (1) I have lived most of my life in the Northeast, which regionally has a later marriage rates; (2) I've lived in major cities almost all of my adult life; (3) Women with a college degrees (or more education) do marry but on average a few years later than those who do not; and (4) for what seems to be a variety of sociological reasons (someone can write a book on this topic, and I think they are) Black women are the least married group with only approximately 52% married by the time they are reach 30 (contrast that with apparently approximately 81% for white women and approximately 77% for Latinas). I was a stat, and I didn't even know it.

Being a slightly older brides has its joys and challenges. Here are some observations from this side of the age spectrum:

Pressure (or pity) from Family or Friends - I have been pretty lucky that Mommy Swan, my other family or friends have never really made me feel inadequate because I was single through most of my 20's. I can't say that's true for many women that I know. Whether through pressure or passive-aggressive comments from family (and perhaps some friends), many women have to deal with a society that subtly tells them often that they should be married preferably not too early but also not too later either.

Pressure from Within - I feel we all judge ourselves a lot. I know I am probably my worst critic. I think women especially give themselves a hard time about what they should be accomplishing by when and how (I do this constantly about my career), and I know that the "Oh no, I'm not married by 30!" conversation has happensed at some point for many women I know. Whenever I mentally start down this path, I try to remind myself that I am at the place where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there. It doesn't always help, but it stops my internal grumbling...at least for a little while.

Starting a Family - As you can tell by simply adding one to my age in my profile, I am now 32. I will be the first to say (especially since I have no choice) that there's nothing wrong with having kids in your 30's. While I agree that women shouldn't take their fertility for granted, children born to slightly older women can still be healthy and happy. This is all to say that I already know that I am going to be slightly older mother than the national average (although not here in NYC based on some trips to the park), but I am okay with that. Mr. Swan and I recognize the life shift that will happen once we have children, and we want to ease into it. We know we don't have the luxury of waiting for a very long time. Well, actually, we can wait, but we are well aware that there are some possible consequences for doing so. When I get worried about being an older mom, I just think about Michelle Obama.

(source)

She looks pretty good for having two kids when she was in her mid and late 30's.

A Little Bit of Experience Under the Belt - I am sure that anyone getting married is happy with the timing of their choice, but I do feel that getting married a little later has allowed me to have experiences that I am glad to have had. I've traveled a ton, lived alone (and loved it), worked hard and learned a lot about myself. I think you can definitely enjoy and grow from many of these same major life events while being married, but I think having done so on my own will bring a little sumthin' to my relationship with Mr. Swan.

Anyway, I just wanted to represent for the brides "gifted with a few extra years of life" out there in Bee Land. Regardless of our age, I think we should be happy that we've found people to share our life!

The Next Life

Doesn't it look like there's a mummy in my garment bag?

Well, my lovely dress is having a rest, and it has been sitting on the futon in our office for the almost four weeks that I have been married. Honestly, I don't know what to do with it. I know that I need to get it cleaned, but what should my dress' next life be?

There are obviously quite a few options for what I can do with my dress post-wedding:

1) Preserve It - I always have the option of keeping my dress for my daughters. I have to admit that this option is not really too appealing to me? Why? Well, Mr. Swan's family tends to produce male children. JUST KIDDING! :) But seriously, that's a consideration, no? I may just not have any daughters at all. The one daughter I may have may not like my style; and hey, my style may be out of style by the time she's ready to get married. Another practical consideration: where am I going to put it? I do have a nice sized closet for a New York City apartment, but my dress will take up a fair amount of space that I'd like to use for clothes I'll actually wear. Plus some of the costs of professional preservation have surprised me. Ummm...how much? Hmm...

2) Sell It - The semi-capitalist in me wants to just sell my dress. It will create the space in my closet that I need and maybe I can make a little moola in the process! I will say that I am pretty intimidated about the selling process. Do I use Craiglist, Once Wed, Bravo Bride, PreOwnedWeddingDresses.com, Ebay? There are so many options. Am I missing any? I'd love to know if any of you have used these services and which was most user-friendly for you.

3) Donate It - I like the idea of my dress not only helping out another bride, but also possibly helping out a larger cause. I'm definitely considering Bridal Garden, a great used gown store whose proceeds go to local educational charities here in Brooklyn. While I may not get the financial reward from this option (well perhaps a tax credit), I think that my gown will bring some happiness to a lot more people than I will ever imagine. Bridal Garden will allow me to help my actual community. That said I don't know if they want my David's Bridal dress (everything there was a bit more designer when I visited), but maybe they're not picky? Also I know that Brides Against Breast Cancer is a popular option, but I am not sure if they are active in New York (correct me if I am wrong, my people). I would be even happier to donate my dress to them as my aunt died of breast cancer several years ago. I missed her at the wedding.

What are you planning to do with your dress after you get married? Have you thought of any options that I have not?

A Tale of a Hair Trial - A Sigh of Relief and the Final Product (Part 3)

When we last left me, your worried heroine, I was NOT at all happy with my hair situation.

I had a rought draft, I was not happy with the real run through for a variety of reasons, and there I was practically a week before the wedding stressing about what to do with my hair. At this point, Mr. Swan stepped in. During the process he had had opinions about the wedding planning, but I was definitely surprised with how strong of an opinion he had about this.

"There is NO way that you are leaving your hotel that morning!" That's pretty much a direct quote from him. A'ight, Mr. Swan. Rock on wit ya bad self...I hear you!

Fair enough, Mr. Swan, but how was I going to find someone who could do my hair in the way I wanted and make it to my hotel room for that morning with essentially TEN days left before the wedding? I had some ideas of where to call, yet I was worried about the price and working with someone new. After some discussion and encouragement from Mr. Swan, I decided to reach out to Khamit Kinks, one of the oldest natural hair care salons in New York City.

I have only been to the salon once before, and while it tends to be on the pricier end of the spectrum, the salon is also known for its professionalism. At this point, I not only needed professionalism but a miracle! I wasn't disappointed. From the moment I talked to Taeisha, the manager, to the morning of the wedding when my lifeseaver, Andre, showed up to work his magic, I was completely amazed by how smooth everything went. I was so grateful, happy and most importantly, I was relaxed on my wedding day!

How did it all work out in the end? Well Andre is a bad ass. Remember this pic that I have posted in many a hair post? HE was the stylist that created it!

(source)

In the end he got a little cheeky with my final style. What do I mean by that?

This:

Yes, that's right! My hair is in the shape of a heart! How cute is that? :) I don't know how he was able to make it look so elegant yet cute all at the same time. Andre also did a variation on the style by actually braiding my hair before putting it up (no wonder I was sitting hunched over for so long!). I think you'll get the idea with this picture.

Here's me walking down the aisle veil and all:

(source-Dante Williams)

In the end I spent WAY more money than I intended on my hair, but what I did realize is that depending on the situation, it's really important to get the most professional person you can find that will give you the least stress on your wedding day. You want to be able to trust the people you hire to be your wedding helpers/vendors. If you can reduce your stress level and if looking a certain way is important to you, find a way to make sure that it's a smooth and close to flawless process for you.

In the end I cheated, but I did what was best for me.

Is there anything for the wedding that you spent more money than budgeted but don't regret/won't regret?

A Bee's Life: The Swan Perspective

Hey everybody!

I am really enjoying this series, A Bee's Life, so I thought I would add my perspective.


HOW I FOUND WEDDING BEE
Let me say that I have always loved all things wedding. I used to occasionally buy wedding magazines and watched quite a few wedding TV shows like “Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?”. This is years before meeting Mr. Swan. I didn’t know very much about wedding blogs, but I had already started reading niche blogs because of my other interests. My first real blog obsession was reading real estate blogs of all things (There's nothing like reading about condo developments. :)). Although my profile says something else, I began my career as a real estate lawyer, and in many ways I still like reading about who's building what, where and how (especially how much).

Well, when Mr. Swan and I started to get serious, I began wondering about whether there were wedding blogs out there too. One day, during some work procrastination, I googled “Brooklyn bride” and the now ubiquitous Brooklyn Bride popped up. Boy, was I hooked. Not only does Vane have a great sense of style, but it was also the pared down, modern style that really resonated with me (Plus, she was representin' for the BK!). Brooklyn Bride had a ton of links, and I started clicking on them to get a sense of other wedding blogs out there. I actually ignored Weddingbee for a long time because I didn't really get the title :) (Sorry, Mrs. Bee). Ofcourse I finally clicked on the link and then was completely hooked. That was the Fall of 2007, and so I have been reading/a part of this community for almost two years now. The one time I have had the fortunate chance to meet Mr. and Mrs. Bee, Mr. Bee promptly told me that I am like a Weddingbee Encyclopedia since I can recall random Bee posts from years past. I guess my little knack comes from all of my time here as a lurker to community member to blogger. I've been here a LOOOONG time.


WHY DID I START BLOGGING? WHY/HOW DID I APPLY TO WEDDINGBEE?
I started blogging because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it and to keep my options open about serving as a Weddingbee blogger. I did a lot of research into things like Afrocentric wedding traditions and clothing and resources for Black brides not only to educate myself but also to blog about the these traditions and ideas since I couldn't really find very much out there.

As I have mentioned before I was pretty hesistant to apply to be a blogger. Unlike some of the other Bee bloggers, I actually blogged for over two months before applying. Why? Well while I loved the sense of community here at Weddingbee, I was often a little disappointed at the lack of Black/African American bloggers on the site. I actually even almost didn't apply at all after some comments that I had read on a post or two addressing this topic. Everyone has the right to their opinion on this subject, but I definitely questioned if Weddingbee was a place that I wanted to consult and spend time during my wedding planning process.

At the same time, I've always been someone who believes in making a path if one is not there. Since I didn't feel like I was finding what I wanted in the blog world, I created my own. Since I didn't see what I thought should be represented here on Weddingbee, I applied even though I'd be risking rejection. At the very least I could say that I had made an effort. I wish I had thought this way about so many other things in life. I guess it's the wisdom that comes with age :)

I didn't hear about my application for a really long time, so I actually thought I didn't get picked! Out of sheer curiosity, I e-mailed Pengy and got a nice e-mail back assuring me that my application was still under review. A few days later, I was sitting down to one of those 3pm lunches that happen occasionally (and having an awful day), when I checked my e-mail and a found my welcome from Pengy. Talk about lifting my spirits!! Three weeks later I popped on the scene.

Blogging earlier this year could border on exhausting for me due to my work and travel schedule. Often I would troop back to my hotel room and decompress by blogging. That also meant some late nights since I would sometimes not get to start a blog post until after 10pm! Also thank goodness for free Wi-Fi in hotel rooms, or blogging would have also become an added expense. I don't think my co-workers ever realized that I was bringing my laptop to not only do wedding planning but also to BLOG about my wedding planning. I had to fit in blogging at odd times in odd places.

I didn't realize how much I would love blogging. It's really become an outlet and in a way that I didn't think it would. I have always enjoyed writing and crafting a good sentence, but I didn't realize that I could feel a sense of contentment from writing the way I have with other things like dance. I know that I love to do something when I don't need a deadline or a prompt to do it. Sometimes I feel like I NEED to blog. It's been nice to find a new hobby. I'm even in the process of figuring out what I'd like to blog about next.

ADVICE FOR PROSPECTIVE BEE BLOGGERS
I think many of the other Bee bloggers have suggested great ideas about what makes a good Wedding bee application/blogger. The advice to be yourself is key. I think the power of being a good blogger is letting your personality shine through a computer screen. What I have also found to be most important is to innovate and find a voice, perspective or topic that not that many people write about. It will make you stand out, and readers will come back for more.


Again, it's been great to be a part of this community and to have the privelege to write for and learn from all of you!

A Tale of a Hair Trial - Hmmmm..... (Part 2)

Remember how my first hair trial was more of a rough draft?

Well, I went back for a more formal hair trial that would allow me to see how the style would look on my actual wedding date. That meant that my hair needed to be washed, the roots retwisted and then styled. (By the way, I am sure that many of you can't visualize what I am talking about here, so I'll post more about a typical hair appointment for me another time). In other words, I needed a full out hair appointment.

Unfortunately, my formal hair trial was not the visit that I wanted. I don't really ask for much when I go to the hair salon. I just want someone to do a good job, not make me wait forever and not have it cost a ton of money that I don't have. I just wanted to be able to have some time with my stylist to have some discussion with her and to make sure we were both on the same page. The problem with my appointment: she kinda quadruple booked herself for that time period! I know that I was the first person she booked for that time frame because I made my appointment a week earlier, and she was apparently completely free then! The result was way too much waiting and a very distracted stylist who really had no time to talk to me about what we were going to do.

Anyway, I managed to take a pic or two of the front portion of my hair after she was done.

I don't look so happy here (I REALLy wasn't happy).

It looks a lot different than the last time, huh?

One top of it all after some discussion, my stylist thought that the best thing to do was to have me come to the salon the morning of the wedding when in actuality it was much easier for both of us to just have her come to the hotel room that morning. Remember, my lovelies, I had a late morning wedding, so everything had to happen early and on schedule. Plus, I was staying in Manhattan very close to the wedding whereas her salon was in Brooklyn and NOT close to the wedding at all.

To make it all work, we would have needed to be at her salon at 6am at the latest. Being the New Yorker that I am, I don't have a car; finding a taxi that early in the morning is a pain; and getting back into Manhattan for makeup and everything else I needed to do that morning just wasn't realistic. If I had had an evening wedding, this would not have been a real problem; however, this kind of plan for a late morning wedding with pictures beforehand just was not going to cut it.

So after all of that, I left the salon a bit peeved and stressed out about a week before the wedding.

Stay tuned for how it all went down in the end...

Were the logistics of your hair and/or makeup trials as frustrating as mine?

A Little Detail

Okay, it's actually a major one: my dress!

I decided not to blog about my dress before the wedding because I never know when Mr. Swan is lurking around here. :)

Since I've already shown you some of the other dresses I've tried, I'll just cut to the chase.

Here it is:

As you can see, it's a mermaid style dress with a train and a little asymmetrical twist, aka David's Bridal ML9521. Part of me wished it didn't have the train, but it did make for a pretty cool bustle. My lovely seamstresss, Ann Hamilton, and I ended up calling my bustle a "Super French" bustle since it looked like some pretty French dessert by the time she finished creating it.

Ofcourse I also didn't want my dress to have any beading either, but there was some beading on the neckline and on the left hand side at the hip.

I don't know what it was, but shopping for dresses in my price range often led me to dresses with beading when I was trying desperately to get away from them. Hmm..conspiracy maybe? :)

In the end I really didn't like the wedding dress shopping process for a variety of reasons which I'll perhaps talk about. I even had doubts about my dress. A train and beading during the day? It seemed like a lot to me, and it was definitely not what I envisioned. I even thought about whether I should have gotten another dress, but I couldn't justify spending anymore money.

Speaking of money, I am glad that I stayed the course with my dress because, well, it was a very cost conscious choice. We came slightly under budget with our wedding, and I believe (actually I KNOW) that having a less expensive dress really helped. I'm not gonna front though...I really wished I could have had a beautiful Jim Hjelm or any other designer dress. I have definitely drooled over some of the dresses I've seen here on Weddingbee from both bees and readers. In the end though, my dress accomplished what I wanted it to: I felt pretty :) I guess that's all I can ask.

I's Be Married Now!

Hey, everybody!!

I am back and married. (By the way, props to anyone who gets the movie reference in the title of the post.)

Getting married is FUN, everyone! If I can say any word of advice to all of you in the latter stages of the planning process, it would be to advise you to make sure that you have FUN on your wedding day. Period. All I remember is the wedding being such a joyous, wonderful moment in time. It was so amazing, and I can't wait to share it all with you.

While I am waiting for my pro pics, I will definitely catch you up on a few things that I didn't get a chance to blog about before the wedding.

I want to leave you with a few images to show you a glimpse of how we experienced the day:

We had a meaningful ceremony.

We oohed and aahed over each other.

We cried (or at least I did).

We DEFINITELY danced.

It's good to be back as a Mrs. :)

All images courtesy of Dante Williams.