It's So Hard...

to say Goodbye...

One of my favorite songs that say goodbye. This was the first CD that I ever bought by the way!! If you're not familiar with Boyz II Men, you're missing out on some great late 80's/early 90's R&B.

I can't believe that I am writing this, but this will in fact be my last Weddingbee post ever. I remember way back when when I started to read WB: Mrs. Penguin was still engaged; there were barely any discussion boards; and even Mr. Bee would occasionally write a post. That was way back in the days of late 2007 (gulp!) months before I got engaged.

When I started to write a blog and even when I got accepted to Weddingbee, I didn't know how much it would change my life. I've met a great group of interesting and fun women from all over the country (and the world). I've discovered a new hobby and form of self-expression through blogging. I've learned a lot about social media. I've also gotten to interact with an encouraging, creative and resourceful community that are the readers of Weddingbee!

Now that I have been a married lady for a year and almost two weeks, I can say that marriage is fun, sometimes hard and rewarding. It's been a crazy year for me and Mr. Swan: getting new jobs, leaving old ones, and going through various types of personal change. That being said, it's all been good times, and we're learning to be better partners to each other everyday.

The biggest highlights of this year:

Cooking my first holiday dinner (Christmas) all by myself.

A few trips

NOLA

Bali

And just hanging out....

Governor's Island in NYC. Mr. Swan took the picture, so I guess he's in this one too! :)

I have not stopped blogging though. I have a blog about food and travel (two of my most favorite things). It's called Try Anything Once. The cool title is courtesy of Mrs. Lamb; and if you like the blog design, it's all Mrs. Poodle. I'd love for you to join me over there, if you don't mind hearing about what I eat and where, my travel adventures plus a little personal stuff thrown in. By the way, those of you who are thinking about or planning a honeymoon or trip to Bali, I'm currently blogging about it there.

So this is it. I wish only good things for all of the brides and blogging Bees out there old and new.

XX,

Mrs. Swan

You Do WHAT with Your Hair?

Hey, all!

I'm almost outta here, but I thought I would pop in to describe something about me that I have never addressed before: how to take care of hair like mine. Many of you, who may actually remember when I was planning my wedding in the olden days of 2008-2009, know that one of my biggest issues was making sure that my hair was looking a-okay for the big day. If you don't remember my hair adventures, take at look at this, this and this (with some background here and here).

In case you don't remember, here's what my hair looked like on my wedding day.

Image by Dante Williams

Ditto re: Dante Williams

I SOOO should not be the poster child for anything hair related because I often do not treat my air with the graciousness it deserves. I should be doing way more to it on a regular basis. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised my hair doesn't jump up and backslap me. :( That being said, this post's purpose is to just give you a sense of what caring for locs entails. There are many people better than me out there who have whole blogs and websites and are WAAY more knowledgeable. I'll get to them below.

Before I begin though, I should say that I can only really speak about MY particular experience with locs based on the fact that my hair would be this texture/curl pattern if I didn't have them:

(source)

Not this ...

(source)

Or this...

(source)

In other words, if your hair is like Kim K.'s or Sienna's, I'm not really sure how locs work on your hair texture/curl pattern (or lack thereof of a curl pattern). I can only speak about mine. Does that make sense?

Okey doke. Moving on....

I remember that I kept mentioning that my hair appointments would take a minimum of three hours (often more). Well, luckily I've switched hair salons, and that's been cut to a much more manageable two hours and definitely less than three. What the heck am I doing at the salon all that time? Usually when I arrive at the salon my hair looks like this:

Do you see the triangle of hair at the top of the loc? My hair can grow pretty quickly sometimes. I took the picture myself, so it is a little blurry.

I have a lot of new growth at the top of each loc that will require it to be twisted and fused with the rest of the loc.

Click on this link to see how locs are "groomed" (code word for washing and retwisting them) and what my hair goes through during my hair appointments. By the way, the woman in the video has done my hair before, and while she is hawking some of her products, they are good. Pretty much the loctician (cool word, huh?) has to retwist each and every single one of my locs. That can be VERY time consuming if you've got slow hands. The most "fun" part is having to sit under the dryer for about 40 minutes to an hour depending on how long your hair needs to dry (which depends on the length and thickness of your hair). My drying time was an hour when my hair was at its longest earlier this year and also depended on whether I was styling my hair a certain way. It's good reading time though. :)

Then after or during retwisting you can do all kinds of things that will give the locs more texture. If my locs are braided while they are wet, I go under the dryer and then the braids are taken out resulting in my hair looking crimped like this:

My old Weddingbee profile pic!

Sometimes I keep in the braids and take them out a week or more later. The crimp can last anywhere from a couple of days to up to a week depending on what my hair feels like doing.

Other times my locs can be set with rod or other types of curlers for another look. Sometimes it takes a few days to get springy like this:

This is the best picture I could find with my hair like this.

BIL & SIL Swan's wedding a few years ago.

Here's a better pic with a model:

(source)

Okay, here are some things you should know. I'll need many of you to suspend what you know about YOUR hair as whatever you do to yours, I probably do the exact opposite.

1. My locs are NOT braided extensions. If I want to get rid of my locs, I have to cut them off (although some people apparently can simply comb their locs out. Again, different hair textures behave differently.). Locs are often seen as a committment. You have to really want them. At this point, I know I am not ready to break up with my locs. That being said, when I made the transition from chemically straightening my hair, I never cut my hair off completely (a method that many Black women use to make the transition from chemical straightening). I'm pretty anxious (in a good way) to see what I would look like with a cute little 'fro. I know I am not ready yet because I watched another woman getting her locs cut off completely just the other day, and I had a pretty visceral reaction. They're here to stay for now.

2. I don't wash my hair every other day....or even every other week. Yes. You read that right. Ewww, Mrs. Swan!!! Hold on now. This isn't particular to locs. Even when I did have straightened hair I didn't wash it constantly either. My hair and its texture are, by nature, extremely dry and constant washing would strip it of valuable natural occurring oils that provide much needed moisture. Also if I wash my hair I have to re-twist it all over again. Time consuming!!! Instead, I use natural astringent on my scalp like Witch Hazel (using cotton balls or Q-Tips) to gently cleanse it or a dry shampoo. I have also heard that some people use SeaBreeze. That being said, there are some people with locs who wash their hair themselves 1-2 times per week. As with anything, each person knows their hair and their schedule best. I would love to be well off enough or have the time to get to the salon every two weeks or the time to really concentrate on my hair 1-2 times per week, but I don't. Also I am lazy. That I do know.

Dos and Don'ts

So yeah. Since I have already admitted to you that I should be better to my hair than I am, I thought I would at least share with you some things that I have picked up along the way. Again, I AM SO NOT an expert!!!

1. I've found that using heavy, non-see through oils are not great for locs. That means no mineral oil or Vitamin E oil. Almost all essential oils are great for moisturizing locs. My favorites: jojoba, ylang ylang, and rosemary. If you don't want to make your own oil (I don't), I am a fan of Carol's Daughter, Khamit Kinks and Nubian Kinks oils. Also NO BEES WAX!! NONE!!! Again, I'm only saying this from the perspective of someone who has MY hair texture, BUT bee's wax and any other heavy non-light oil based product in your hair is setting it up for disaster down the road. You don't want anything in there you can't wash out. Also moisturize daily.

2. Find a good loctician. Seriously, it can be very helpful to find someone who understands how to care for and style your hair even if you choose to take care of it primarily on your own. Some people do fine on their own. I am not one of them.

3. Wear something on your hair at night while you sleep, preferably a satin or silk scarf or bonnet. You can buy satin bonnets in drugstores. Why sleep with something on your head? Well, the constant rubbing of the hair against a cotton pillow robs it of the oils and makes it dry. Also it prevents the locs from collecting lint.

4. Watch out for woolen hats and scarves. In my experience, my hair is like velcro. So many things stick to it. I have to be very careful about wearing certain sweaters, scarves and hats that shed. Mohair is my enemy.

5. Be patient and love yourself. Please know that locs will look different from person to person, and for some people it does take awhile for locs to fully fuse or "lock." Again, everyone's hair is different and is on its own schedule and journey. One of the things my hair taught me was being patient with myself and self-acceptance about the way I look. When I first started to lock my hair, I had go through yet another time of reflection and period of personal growth regarding how I thought about my appearance. I had to come to terms with the fact that I could be/am beautiful in my own way. Being happy with the way you look is important for everyone regardless of the way you choose to wear your hair.

Here are some good resources for caring for locs (or natural hair in general) that I have found online (By the way, it's exciting that these are around now. Almost none of these resource existed when I stopped chemically straightening my hair in 1996 or when I started my locs in 2004):

Natural Sunshine

Nappturality
Loc Rocker

Locentricity

My Locking Journey is NESSisary

Black Girl with Long Hair

Okay, hopefully I demystified something for ya. I hope you all don't ask me any questions that I can't answer. I may just refer you to Google:)

By the way, people with locs can have Post-Wedding Chops too. Here's mine 10 months after my wedding.

On our honeymoon back in June. This is the first time my hair's been all one length in forever! :)

Thanks for reading, everyone!

Swan Tips Revisited

Hey, all!

Mrs. Swan here! Remember me? I dipped out for a bit, but I just wanted to begin to bring some full closure on my time on Weddingbee. Can you believe that Sunday will be my 1st Anniversary? I can't!

I know that a reader or two had asked about a post with my Swan Tips for the day of your wedding all in one place. I thought I would just lay them out here. I've linked them to the related recap post just in case you are wondering what the heck I'm talkin' about. Also just in case you've forgotten what my wedding looks like (or have never read any of my posts), I've interspersed some of my favorite pictures from the recaps throughout the tips.

So here are my Swan Tips just in case you might want them:

Swan Tip #1 - If you can steal a few moments for yourself (or with others who have a calming effect on you) to have some quiet time to read, reflect, do some yoga, deep breathing, or whatever relaxes you, definitely do it!

Swan Tip #2 - Sometimes choosing a vendor shouldn't come down solely to cost. I valued not only being able share a good working relationship with vendors/wedding elves that I hired, but also being able to work with people that I truly liked. Plus, if you're going to be around someone that's not family or friends on your wedding day, why not have someone you think is pretty cool too?

Swan Tip #3

a) Don't be afraid to accept help on your wedding day (and not just to get ready), even if you think you can do it by yourself. Allow yourself to be helped and even pampered a bit. You don't get married everyday (at least I hope you don't:)).

b) - Know when to step in and take charge if you need to, but also remember Swan Tip #3a.

Swan Tip #4 - As if you have enough things to think about as you're getting married, I'd like you to consider the environment that you want for getting ready prior to the wedding. For some of you, it will mean having a large wedding party with lots of family around you. For others, it will mean just a small select group of people that will be by your side. I encourage everyone to figure out what will be best for them because that preparation period really can be fun and special.

Swan Tip #5 - I know it's generally a point of debate in the wedding world, but I am an advocate of the pre-ceremony look. We still had a very emotional ceremony even though we saw each other beforehand. We spent a lot of time with our guests, and so having the time together to greet each other, to hold each other's hands and to walk together was priceless.

Swan Tip #6 - Our wedding photoshoot was fun. While I agree it's important to have pictures of the two of you, your bridal party, etc., just make sure that you use your time wisely with your photographer as well as make sure that you stick to a timeline to keep the events of the day moving.

Swan Tip #7 - Everything is not going to go smoothly on your wedding day. If you have to break down, it's okay. When that starts, just listen to Mrs. Swan's voice in your head, "There's no wallowing at weddings!" (There's no crying in baseball either, just in case you were wondering.) :)

Swan Tip #8 - There will be traditions that actually might end up a part of your ceremony and reception that you're not going to like. Know when to push back and when to let go.

Swan Tip #9 - Everybody loves a wedding. There are going to be people you don't expect who will love yours too.

Swan Tip #10 - For me, the ceremony is really the meaning of it all. Without the bond between you and your partner, there really is no wedding. Pick readings that fit well with the tone of your ceremony and what you want your marriage (and maybe your life) to embody. For some of you it may be a religious text. For others of you it may be cool passages like Mrs. Mouse's Alice Walker poem or Mrs. Star's excerpt from Madeleine L'Engel's work. Words have meaning and power. I hope your ceremony will reflect your future hopes for your marriage.

Swan Tip #11 - This is most definitely a personal choice, but I really love the fact that Mr. Swan and I were able to write vows to each other in addition to traditional vows. Even if you can't include this in your ceremony, I think it's great to be able to share how you feel about each other in your own words at some point in the day.

Swan Tip #12 - Another one of the most highly debated wedding issues: cocktail hour attendance. Attending was a great option for us. We got to spend even more time with our guests, enjoy the beautiful weather we were having that day, and eat. Who doesn’t like eating? If you can find a way to attend even a small part of the cocktail hour, I highly recommend it.

Swan Tip #13 - While you might want everything to turn out a certain way during your wedding, be open to the fun surprises that may be in store.

Swan Tip #13 - More Mrs. Swan Tough Love: Definitely include personal details if you'd like to, but if you're tearing your hair out about them, they're just not worth it.

(That's not a typo above, by the way. The numbering gets fuzzy now because: (1) I'm getting old and senile and screwed it up during my recaps, and (2) I can't count. Carry on....)

Swan Tip #15 - Be prepared for your emotions to hit you when you least expect it.

Swan Tip #16 - Be careful if you give a toast at someone's wedding. It might come back to haunt you! :)

Swan Tip #17 - Savor the unplanned and spontaneous moments of the wedding!

Swan Tip #18 - If you're sourpuss, then everyone else will be a sourpuss. The focus, whether you want it to or not, will be on you that day, and YOU will set the tone of your reception. Get out there and enjoy yourself! Your guests will follow suit.

Swan Tip #19 - Think about how your reception will be experienced from your guests' perspective.

Swan Tip #20 - You know, there never was a Swan Tip # 20, so I'll just say this: Regardless of what goes wrong, the people who don't show up or the ones that act like a dang fool on your wedding day, you're going to get something out of the wedding that you'll have for a very long time: someone who loves you just as much you love them. There are no tips that I could ever give you that will prepare you for what that truly feels like. Seriously, it's the greatness thing ever.

All Images by Dante Williams